Over a month since I posted last? Impossible! I've had so much to mention, but I guess it's all in my head. I don't have time to completely expunge all the thoughts and memories, but I'll share a little.
Christmas was lovely. We celebrated with the in-laws at their house on Christmas Eve and celebrated at our house Christmas morning with my parents and my sister's family. It went beautifully. We left for West Virginia the next day and it was a long drive with a potty-trained child. I'm so proud of Isabella for being a big girl and she had no trouble doin' the doo in the public restrooms. Proud moments. We borrowed my father-in-law's dvd player for her and she watched the same movies over and over. I don't want her using headphones yet because I think she's too little for that, but they would've been nice. I couldn't get the songs out of my head! Chris and I listened to the Sirius radio the whole way and it was so nice to not have to change the station because of a lost signal.
Isabella got her second snow experience, but she didn't remember her first and she probably won't remember this one either. Nevertheless, she LOVED it! She loved throwing snowballs and making tracks and getting all snowy. I wanted Reagan in the snow as little as possible, but on the last night we were there, it started snowing as we left a restaraunt after dinner. I was hurrying Reagan out to the car and when I looked at her, she was entranced. She was watching the snow fall and, as it lit on her little baby eyelashes, I too was entranced. It was a beautiful moment.
Reagan is finally crawling on all fours as of Christmas day. She will go into her army crawl every now and then, but usually it's because she's trying to drag something along the floor with her. She's been ill with a double ear infection and a sinus infection. It seems like the medicine is almost as bad as the illness. She has diarrhea, vomitting and loss of appetite. I really don't feel like the antibiotic is helping. She still has trouble sleeping and she still has the cough/sneeze/runny nose. I called the pediatrician about her vomitting, but they said it's normal and probably just her mucous. Not helpful because she doesn't vomit unless she's had her medicine. Her follow-up is next Monday and she better be healthy by then!
Isabella started gymnastics at the first of the year and apparently she's a natural. I wouldn't know because I've never been to her classes. My FIL takes her every week and he boasts about how amazing she performs. Maybe one day I'll get a glimpse of her in the gym. They're even having a "recital" sort of thing, but it's during the day as well. Oh bother. She loves wearing her sparkly leotards and that's what's truly important. The main focus should be that she loves the outfits. We're not putting her in dance... she already loves "twirly skirts" too much.
That's a good summary of home life. Work life is much more complicated. When it's not worth it anymore, I'm quitting. Whether I have another job or not, I'm quitting. It's getting close to my breaking point. I wish they'd just fire me, but there's no grounds to fire me! I'm too good at my job. What a bummer.
I'd think I was dead if not for the constricting pain in my chest. I find it difficult to take a deep breath. My vision is blurry or perhaps it just seems like everyday is a veiled in a shadowy haze. Once in a while I am able to lift the veil and seize control over my life, but lately those occasions are rare. There is such a fog in my head.
I don't even know where to start. I love Christmas. It's the happiest time of year for me. I love the music, the lights, the decorations, the Santas, the peace-on-earth-and-goodwill-to-man vibes, and all the rest of it. This year will be Reagan's first Christmas. Our tradition is to spend Christmas morning at home. Two years ago, my whole family came over and we will be doing that again this year. Last year, we went to my sister's house for a few hours and celebrated with her family and my parents. My in-laws have never spent a Christmas here. This year they've decided to stay, so I invited them to our home since my family is coming already. They declined and invited us to their home Christmas morning. We are hosting Christmas morning in our home and my in-laws (who are never here for Christmas day) want us to change our plans for them. When I told them we wouldn't be changing our plans to suit them, they told us to just come over later. No! We are hosting Christmas at our house. If you would like to see us, please come. They are more than welcome - we invited them! Don't counter my offer with an offer of your own. You don't like my family? Chris thinks they want to avoid chaos. We have kids. When is there not chaos at our house?
And then there's work. I thought the company was going to close last week and I haven't been able to breathe easy since then. We had a big meeting on Friday and it was as close as you can get to full disclosure, so it should've been reassuring. Unfortunately, I'm still in panic mode. I've never been so busy. I get caught up on one thing and fall behind on three other "top priorities". It's an endless cycle and there's nothing I can do to change it.
Chris left yesterday and will be home the 22nd. I have some Christmas shopping left to do and it should be easy, but that's not the problem. I just don't need one more thing added to my inbox. I'm thankful that my parents and my in-laws are helping by picking up the kids in the afternoon. I really appreciate that. It definitely makes it easier for me since I've been working late. Less guilt about leaving them at the sitter until dark-thirty. I don't think there's that much to be done, but it's overwhelming when I'm already stressed. All I want for Christmas is a calming, relaxing, deep breath.
I found out yesterday that the La Leche League meeting I regularly attend is cancelled this month. We meet once a month to discuss different aspects of breastfeeding (i.e. nutrition, difficulties, weaning). I look forward to these meetings every month because I am alone in my personal breastfeeding adventure.
Let me explain. I have a wonderfully supportive husband who takes me at my word and trusts my judgement when it comes to child-rearing. However, he has been known to "help" me cover myself when I'm nursing. There are times he has a problem with the how, when & where of breastfeeding. I don't expect him to be able to relate. My mother seems to be more interested in the social stigma. Like her daughter is so chic because she breastfeeds and uses a sling, society be damned! Her daughter goes against social norms to ensure the health of her children, isn't it just too Hippy Dippy meets Uptown Glamour? But she wants to give Reagan water because she thinks the baby is "thirsty". You're killing me woman. And she wonders why I waited so long to let anyone keep Bella overnight? Why would I let them keep her when they ignore my parenting style? I know it's not all her... dad holds much of the blame. As far as my sister goes, she & I don't discuss much of anything and she gave up breastfeeding for formula after just a few months. She was a stay-at-home mom and she still gave it up. No real reason.
I inundate my in-laws with so much boob and breastfeeding that I'm sure they're sick of me and my boobs. I know, however, they would never say a negative thing about it. It is not their place. I am a well-informed parent and I do what I think and know are best for my girls. My sister-in-law breastfed for a time when Renzo was first born, but she also supplemented. She pumped at work for a time, but gave it up when it became too difficult. He is now formula fed. At first, I thought I found someone I could relate to, but she preferred pumping and feeding from a bottle. She had her own set of circumstances that led to her decision, but I struggled and I know others who had immense issues and persevered. I don't understand giving up because it's easy. Nothing that's worthwhile is ever easy.
So back to the LLL meeting. As you can see, in my family I don't have a sounding board when it comes to breastfeeding. LLL is only once a month, so I have one night a month for one hour to feel less alone and more normal. It shouldn't be a huge deal to me, but it is! There are so many other things going on right now with work and family - I need this. Work is crazy with my work load piling up infront of me as we fire more people. I'm trying to get use to the idea that I will have to deal with most of the Christmas holiday without my husband who will be on tour with a Christmas show as far away as Michigan & New York. A lot is going on right now and I need something I can count on. I thought LLL was my safe place, but now they're not even there for me. It's upsetting.
Last Friday was supposed to be so great. I took the day off to travel with my family and my in-laws to Myrtle Beach. Early that morning, however, I got a text from Bobbie (work wife) that I needed to check the newspaper for an article about the company for which we work. She also stated that the only other person left in the office besides us was going to be let go. Not just "let go", but FIRED. It was done in frustration and anger, so I think FIRED is the word to use. It all happened so fast: the news story breaking, the firing, the paperwork, and the threats of jail time. My head was spinning and I was trying to get ready for a relaxing weekend! So much for that!
As the weekend went on I became more anxious about heading back to work Monday morning. The tasks left undone were assuredly to become my responsibility, while my job was to be passed on to someone else - Bobbie. We've lost almost everyone in this office in the last year. We went from a group of seven to just the two of us. It's been stressful to say the least. I feel like I want to cry sometimes, but I can't. I don't have the tears for it. I still have a job and that's what matters. More good news is that I was not to be the sole bearer of the tasks formerly done by our lost co-worker. We are splitting her duties between Bobbie, the office manager and myself. It's Thursday and I've been working at my new tasks all week. I've barely spent more than three hours all week on my accounting work.
I'm still trying to wrap my head around all that's happened. I wish I could go into more detail and stop being so vague, but that wouldn't be appropriate. I generally become fully aware of the lying, cheating, misuse of funds, etc. that goes on in a company within the first two years of my employment and the thought of working for a company like this forces me to find employment elsewhere. So after four jobs like this, I am feeling hopeless. I've been employed here for over three years and I only stay because of my family responsibilities. It's not likely that I could start over at another company making the same money I make here. It would be so nice to say that the money doesn't matter, but it does. I was not to the manor born, nor was Chris. If I could make money working for a charity, I'd quit today. As far as my career goes, all I want is to know that the work I do makes a difference and helps people. I'm not making a difference now and the only person I'm helping is the owner as I line his pockets with money. I can't do this much longer.
To catch up a bit, Reagan now has five teeth! FIVE! Needless to say, she hasn't slept well lately, and you can correctly assume I have not slept well either. According to what I've read, cutting teeth is more painful at night and babies want to nurse more often in an attempt to alleviate the pain. She doesn't just wake up in the middle of the night like she used to with her little kicks and whining. She wakes up screaming. Every 30 minutes to an hour. All night long. It's awesome.
On Saturday we went to my mom's for a jewelry party. For weeks Reagan has worked on her crawling technique. She gets up on all fours, then down on her belly. She gets up and pushes back with her arms and goes down to her belly. It seemed like it was going to happen any day. So after church yesterday, she came to a decision. Hands and knees just aren't her bag. She was prone on the living room floor and army crawled to the television remote a foot or more away.
She looks like she's trying to avoid live fire. She pulls herself along with her hands and arms while pushing with her feet and knees. I've heard of babies doing this, but I never thought my baby would be an army crawler. Her daddy wasn't home yesterday, so he got his first glimpse of the baby in motion this morning. It just seems like such a waste of energy. She looks like she's trying so hard and getting up on hands and knees is much more efficient. Oh well, who am I to tell her how to crawl?
So now we enter phase two - the mobile baby. I was hoping she would wait another month or so. Mobility is great, but it's highly overrated. What could be better than a perfect little angel baby sitting in the same spot you left her 5 minutes before? I would never quash her development as she gains independence, confidence and new abilities. It's hard on a mom who knows our time together is limited and sees every achievement with boastful pride and a glimmer of sadness.
I had a birthday this week. This is the first time Chris has been home for my birthday and he took me to lunch. We tried a new place on Daniel Island (Ali Baba) and then I accompanied him on a site check for the Race for the Cure at the Family Circle Cup stadium. Back at work I found out two people were let go. I wasn't one of them, so it could be worse, but it's not good. It means that the economic state of the area is continuing to decline. It's hitting too close to home for my taste, but what can I do?
I mentioned to a co-worker that I wasn't sure whether I should be super-motivated or totally unmotivated. I have responsibilities to my husband and my children and that means I need to be doing everything possible to keep from losing my job. However, Betty (one of the seemingly unnecessary employees) was great at her job and went out of her way to make herself useful. What hope is there for me? My supervisor told me yesterday that as of now, we are all on an equal playing field. No one does job that is more important than anyone else. Hard to believe. One of us will have to be moved from our office and into the front office. None of us wants to move. Having seen personnel move into the front office and be fired makes me feel like it's the gateway to dismissal. I've enjoyed having my own office for almost a year now. I can use my breast pump at my leisure. People wander in and out of the front office all day and it's very distracting. I was in the front office at one point, but was upgraded to a shared office and ultimately an office of my own. I don't want to be downgraded.
I was notified that I will be absorbing Betty's duties as purchasing officer. I only have a slight understanding of all that entails. I have never been a purchasing officer, nor do I see it as a direction in which I am prepared to move. However, I am being dropped in head first. We will find out tomorrow who pulled the short straw to move into the front office. I am none too excited. I am here to do a job for a company to which I am indifferent. I guess it's about time I start caring since my responsibilities are multiplying!
My hair is damaged. I've tried different colors in my hair since high school and I have to blow dry or it's unruly. So the combination of chemicals and heat has really done a number on my thin, fine hair. Living in the Lowcountry means there is constant humidity with which to contend. All these things contribute to my frizz.
In the past, I would style my hair just right and throughout the day it would go south. If was raining, it wouldn't last through my walk to the car! I didn't think I really had a choice in the matter since I'd put up with it for so long. It was understood that bad hair days were not my fault and that's the way the chips fell for me. But all that's behind me.
At Target on Saturday, I was looking through the array of serums, sprays & styling cremes when my eyes fell on the Frizz-Ease line by John Frieda. I've used the line of Sheer Blonde shampoos and conditioners, but I always thought Frizz-Ease was for people with curly hair. I'm glad I gave them a second look. In a toss-up between Frizz-Ease Heat Defeat Protective Styling Spray and the Straight Fixation Smoothing Creme, I chose the spray. The label on the creme says it's "lightweight" but I worry that products will weigh down my strands and make them too oily.
I'm so happy with this product! I wash, towel dry, spritz with miracle spray, blow dry & style to get a perfect coif (in my opinion) that stays perfect throughout the day! Even my co-workers noticed a difference. Yesterday was a rainy day and my hair maintained it's style ALL DAY. Amazing. I cannot speak for the rest of the line, but if this worked for me, I suggest you give any of the Frizz-Ease products a try.
