I'd think I was dead if not for the constricting pain in my chest. I find it difficult to take a deep breath. My vision is blurry or perhaps it just seems like everyday is a veiled in a shadowy haze. Once in a while I am able to lift the veil and seize control over my life, but lately those occasions are rare. There is such a fog in my head.

I don't even know where to start. I love Christmas. It's the happiest time of year for me. I love the music, the lights, the decorations, the Santas, the peace-on-earth-and-goodwill-to-man vibes, and all the rest of it. This year will be Reagan's first Christmas. Our tradition is to spend Christmas morning at home. Two years ago, my whole family came over and we will be doing that again this year. Last year, we went to my sister's house for a few hours and celebrated with her family and my parents. My in-laws have never spent a Christmas here. This year they've decided to stay, so I invited them to our home since my family is coming already. They declined and invited us to their home Christmas morning. We are hosting Christmas morning in our home and my in-laws (who are never here for Christmas day) want us to change our plans for them. When I told them we wouldn't be changing our plans to suit them, they told us to just come over later. No! We are hosting Christmas at our house. If you would like to see us, please come. They are more than welcome - we invited them! Don't counter my offer with an offer of your own. You don't like my family? Chris thinks they want to avoid chaos. We have kids. When is there not chaos at our house?

And then there's work. I thought the company was going to close last week and I haven't been able to breathe easy since then. We had a big meeting on Friday and it was as close as you can get to full disclosure, so it should've been reassuring. Unfortunately, I'm still in panic mode. I've never been so busy. I get caught up on one thing and fall behind on three other "top priorities". It's an endless cycle and there's nothing I can do to change it.

Chris left yesterday and will be home the 22nd. I have some Christmas shopping left to do and it should be easy, but that's not the problem. I just don't need one more thing added to my inbox. I'm thankful that my parents and my in-laws are helping by picking up the kids in the afternoon. I really appreciate that. It definitely makes it easier for me since I've been working late. Less guilt about leaving them at the sitter until dark-thirty. I don't think there's that much to be done, but it's overwhelming when I'm already stressed. All I want for Christmas is a calming, relaxing, deep breath.